Monday, April 26, 2010

"It only feels worse when I stay in one place/ so I'm always pacing around or walking away." -- Bright Eyes

It's amazing what things we find when we start cleaning and clearing out old clutter from half-abandoned cabinets and drawers. I stumbled upon a book which my ninong gave me when I was 13. The book is a daily Catholic devotional reading, and he may have given it to me in hopes that I'll stay upright, religious, and obedient. They wanted me to be the best that I could be. If I remember it right, I received it on my confirmation day. Somehow, I can't believe it's been almost 10 years since.

Inside the book, my ninong wrote a short message in a form of a poem (posted below).

February 17, 2001
04:12 am


It’s time for sleep and yet it does not come
There’s simply a little more left for me to be done


And though it’s late, inspired, I find it fun
To write for you before the setting sun.


A while ago you said I’ve given you (to read) so plenty
Don’t worry! My heart says, “They’re not so many.”


But you should share these stuff that ain’t so heavy
Oh gosh! Oh yes! By now you smile so widely.


Read on, my sweet young friend and “sit up straight.”
Don’t rush or be so rash, He’s asking you to wait


Enjoy your youth, don’t bite the enemy’s bait
For in your heart, you’ll harvest nothing but hate.


I’ll have rest by now, my day is full by morrow
Confidently hopeful, God does not want us to be in sorrow.

***
I miss my ninong, he taught me how to play the guitar. He would take us out on weekends to teach my brother and I how to play billiards. He introduced me to lots of old songs and encouraged my talents. At some point, I even wished he was my dad. I hope he's doing a lot better now than the last time I met him. I will be praying for him.

Now, on to more personal things...


I just couldn't help but have mixed emotions after having read this message again. I was glad, but I felt at a loss after every thing that's happened in between that time and now. I've gained years, but the feeling that I've lost so many things to the past just caught up with me. I know I shouldn't feel this way, I'm not even that old yet. I guess I just don't feel as young as I used too.

Maybe this is to remind me that It's not yet too late to do better things. Maybe I'm saying this too because I feel stuck, and I frankly don't know where else I should be heading.

If I wasn't so full of pride, I'd talk to my old folks and tell them that they were right about a lot of things: life, people, society, men, vices, etc... Though they didn't tell me the reasons why back then, now I know exactly what they meant. I just hope they won't be disappointed, when they realize who I really am, how ever I turn out to be.


I know I've been very stubborn, they always used to tell me not to grow up too fast. But I don't regret any of it. Considering where I was, I think I learned a lot more than I should have. This, I think, really keeps me grounded.

Such is the process of learning, and it never really ends. It doesn't totally prevent us from making any wrong decisions along the way though.

I don't know how else to wrap this up, but since this has a lot to do with memories, it just reminds me so much of the time when praying grew a lot harder for me. I miss the old days, I miss innocence, and the feeling that I could always depend on someone other than myself.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Notes

I have been giving in to a lot of things lately. I believe in the process, like my new friend has discovered. There are a lot of things we can change, and those that we don't want to change at all. I guess, being rational is a very vulnerable state for me. I try to explain things to myself when I'm overcome with emotion.

It is heartbreaking, and I feel most alive.

Years Later

"My, how you've grown",
I remember that phrase
from my childhood days too.
"Just wait and see",
I remember those words and how they chided me
when patient was the hardest thing to be
because we can't make up
for the time that we've lost
I must let these memories provide
no little girl can stop her world to wait for me

I should have known
at your age, in a string of days the year is gone
but in that space of time it takes so long
because we can't make up
for the time that we've lost
I must let those memories provide
no little girl can stop her world to wait for me
every time we say goodbye
you're frozen in my mind
as the child that you never will be
you never will be again

I'll never be more to you than a stranger could be
every time we say goodbye
you're frozen in my mind
as a child that you never will be
will be again.

-- Song of the day from Natalie Merchant, "How You've Grown"