Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Strange Condition

Everyone's so intimately rearranged
Everyone's so focused clearly with such shine.
-- Silversun Pickups

And so I've decided to do myself a favor before finally trying to get some sleep. A lot of terrible mental nonsense has nested in my head these past few months and to be honest, I don't think the damage it has caused in my head, my heart, and my life can ever be reversed. People, places, events, everything-- these past 6 months have slowly began to redefine how I see my life, and most probably how I'd be living it for the next few years.

I'm currently living inside the body I've always dreamed of being when I was 12. The dream was simply to be older. Now I'm 22 and young, yet old enough for so many things. I guess I just didn't think I'd end up like this. Nobody had a clue, not even I. Growing up, I always thought I was meant to live a life of predictability. There were things that mattered to me when I was 12. Some still matter now, but they didn't get to hang around long enough for me to realize I really wanted them. Yes, vague. One day I'll figure them out.

The process is painfully unnerving, I find myself caught in a threshold-like state where everything is gray. Just being at that point where I see how my actions affect others, and stopping to try and predict how this will all come back to me, is just so overwhelming. I've taken certain sides that don't offer much comfort. "It's my own design, it's my own remorse," as more aptly put by Roland Orzabal.

Because my love is strong, and my heart is weak after all.
-- Delta Spirit

It still makes me wonder why, after all these years, I (and people like me) still choose to hurt myself in the process. As I try to rationalize, I reason that I put up with self mutilation simply because I believe It is worth the risk. If It's one thing I learned the hard way, it's this: you can't tell your heart not to love what it loves. You can deny what it wants and still its four chambers will hold every memory for you. It cannot ever forget. However, it can let go, for sure. And when it does, it's surrenders itself completely, accepts its fate, and resumes its constant pulse.

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